Losing a Pet

By: Shelley Ontis

Pets become members of our family, and quickly win our hearts. Losing a pet causes the same kind of grief as other losses, and that grief, and the resultant mourning period, should be taken just as seriously. In modern society, we have rituals and ceremonies that help us when we lose a loved one. Wakes, funerals, burial services and visits to the gravesites are important in helping us to deal with the loss. But typically, with the loss of a pet we have no such ceremonies to aid us in the grieving process, even though the grief is just as real.

In her book, On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross described grief as having 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Losing a beloved pet is a traumatic life moment, but time, and an understanding of the stages of grief and how to deal with them, can be important steps in healing.

1. Denial. The first stage often occurs immediately and passes quickly, but it can linger for some time, depending on the age of the pet and the circumstances. The inability to believe that a dog or cat is really gone, especially after having the pet for years, is a normal part of the grieving process.

2. Anger. Why did my pet have to die? Why did it have to happen this way? Anger is a perfectly natural reaction to losing something so dear. Understanding that all living things must die, that the only mystery is when and where, can help ease you through this stage.

3. Bargaining. This often happens immediately, like denial and anger, with pleas for the pet to live, perhaps making deals with God that if everything is okay, you'll be better, or go to church, or give to charity. Any number of bargains can come into play, depending on your lifestyle. This is a natural reaction to a trauma—somehow we try to find a way to undo what’s happened, or make it okay. A part of bargaining unique to the loss of a pet is a type of bargain with yourself, in which you tell yourself that if you get another pet, you won’t hurt so much. And some make oaths to never have another pet again, because it’s too painful to lose them. It’s common to believe that either of those things will stop or greatly alleviate the pain, but often, that doesn’t hold true. A new pet might distract you from the pain for a while, but you owe it to yourself to deal with your grief as well as you can before taking on the responsibility of another pet. Conversely, there’s no need to deprive yourself of the joys of pet ownership in the future just to avoid losing another pet. These extreme feelings will pass.

4. Depression. When the denial and anger have faded, and it’s obvious that bargaining doesn’t help, depression can set in. Depression is a normal reaction to loss. You’re sad because your loved pet is gone, and the pain of that loss is terrible. Ways to cope with the depression include good nutrition, enough exercise, and enough sleep. Be around people and socialize to avoid the loneliness that can come from missing a pet, but realize that you cannot avoid the pain of the loss. Instead, try to focus not on how your pet is gone from your life, but on the joy your pet brought to your life while he or she was with you. Make a photo album or keepsake album of dog or cat pictures, a special memento that you can look at when you want to revisit specific memories.

5. Acceptance. The final stage of grief is the hardest to reach--the acceptance that what has happened cannot be changed, and that a beloved pet is truly gone. But accepting that a cherished companion is no longer with you does not mean that you’ll forget the pet or the happy times you shared. Some people equate lessening grief with a sort of disrespect, but that’s not so. There are many ways to honor your pet’s memory and his or her importance in your life, even as the pain of loss lessens. You can place a lovely headstone at your pet’s gravesite, or choose a memorial stone for your yard or garden. Keep your pet’s collar or favorite toy in a keepsake box with your pet’s photo on the outside. These serve as powerful symbols of remembrance and love, and can help you feel closer to your pet in a healthy and sustainable way.

Losing a pet is painful, but the grief and sadness you feel is necessary and healthy. Now is the time to move from mourning your pet’s loss to celebrating the time you had with your special animal. Take the time to be good to yourself and honor your pet’s memory in a way that feels right to you.

PAAH understands how difficult it is for your and your family to lose a beloved pet. We have created a special area on our website where you can post your stories and memories of your special family member.